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Ultimate Gilmore Girls Fanaticism
from the Ultimate GG Fans

Ally McBeal is one of the few shows, like Gilmore Girls that I can put on and just watch, marathon fashion, for days on end. In fact, once I start watching it, I can’t stop. I have to watch episode after episode in this fashion. As soon as one episode is done, I feel compelled by an inner urge to watch the next. And just like Gilmore Girls. Ally McBeal is also one of those shows that like Gilmore Girls gets better every time I watch it.

One of the nice things about Ally McBeal that I enjoy, me personally, is that it’s set in Boston, Massachusetts. And the show has some spectacular establishing shots of Boston, especially from the air. I’m from the Boston area myself. And I love these. It’s so cool to recognize the Boston skyline. I’m like, I know that place. But this isn’t a reason Ally McBeal should be a Gilmore-ism.

There’s more to Ally McBeal than the fact that a hard-core Gilmore Girls fan like me first fell in love with Ally McBeal. I’m a little disappointed that Gilmore Girls with its host of pop-culture references has never referred to Ally McBeal. (And if you know of such a reference, please point it out to me!) Ally McBeal deserves a GG reference. Here are my top 11 reasons why.

1. A cast of kooky characters.

In the beginning, John Cage and Richard Fish founded a law firm. Cage and Fish are lawyers. John’s a much better one than Richard. He is happy to practice law in his own way. But Richard Fish is the visionary. In the back-story, there must have been a scene where Richard persuaded his friend John to partner with him, to start their own firm. And they did. And they had four very good reasons for doing so: (1) money, (2) money, (3) fun, and (4) money. So they founded Cage/Fish & Associates (pronounced “Cage and Fish”). And they staffed it with sexy, young associates, each with his own personality quirk.

• There’s John Cage. He’s a trial lawyer who stutters, whose nose whistles, who has a remote-control toilet flusher because he prefers a fresh bowl, who can’t make love to his girlfriend unless he first channels Barry White, and who always wins his cases, no matter how ludicrous they are. (Or almost always.)
• His partner Richard Fish “put the ’fish’ in ’superficial.’” He is a womanizer and proud of it. And if you think a character like this could never be the hero of a story, you’ve never met Richard Fish. His shallow witticisms on the human race, and especially on men and women, are even more funny than they are disturbing. Richard has a fetish for women’s wattle, the loose folds of skin that hang under a person’s neck, and he can bring a woman to ecstasy by manipulating her knee-pit. The really strange thing is, he actually makes a certain amount of sense. I think he taps into a disturbing part that exists in each of us.
• The title character Ally is a lawyer, an associate at Cage/Fish, who hears music in her head, sees things that aren’t there, and sometimes can’t tell the difference between real and imaginary. She’s a disturbed, lovable woman. And everything is about her. I mean, in her mind, everything is about her. Fortunately, John put her in touch with his shrink (played by Tracy Ullman)… Or maybe that’s not so fortunate.
• Elaine Vassal is Ally’s legal secretary. She must be the center of attention, or she’ll find a way to make herself the center of attention. She’s also the engine of the office’s rumor mill. And she has invented numerous inventions, including the face bra, customized condoms, and the pregnant dress, because pregnant women get so many special privileges. It even includes a water sack, which you can release in case you need to make an emergency exit.
• Nelle Porter is another associate, a cold, bitter woman. “Sub-zero Nelle” they call her. Richard hired her because she brought her own clients, which she stole from her previous firm. To accomplish this, he promised her she’d be the first associate to become partner. She’s an ambitious shark who never lets other people get in her way. But the truth is that the frozen exterior of the Ice Queen hides a soft vulnerability, which she deeply needs no one to see.
• Ling Woo is my hero. One of Nelle’s only friends, Ling is a client Nelle brought in. The thing is, Ling’s cases were always far-fetched, weird even. And Richard always takes them, because—Hello!—the money. But Ling can do anything, and she does. I mean she gets anything she wants. Even if it’s suing a radio talk-show host for sexual harassment, because of the things he says on the radio. (She didn’t win that one. The amazing thing is she was able to get it into court.) As it turns out, Ling is independently wealthy and only works so she can show off the outfits she’s designed. When asked how much one of her side businesses earned, she said “Not much. 80 or 90 thousand, tops.” And then, to everyone’s astonished looks, “It’s a hobby!” Ling is brutally honest, to a fault, and thinks that everyone is there to serve her. But she has a hidden tenderness. Some of the mysterious miracles that happen, if you were to investigate, you’d trace them back to the lady who gets anything she wants.

There are others, too. But I trust I’ve given a sense of the richness of character that this cast portrays.

Aside from the kooky characters, Cage/Fish has more kooky occurrences even than Stars Hollow. Kirk crashing Taylor’s classic Thunderbird through Luke’s diner window? That’s nothing. We’ve got a woman who dropped a piano on her cheating husband’s classic car. Or a man and two women who sue the state for the right to all marry each other. Or a woman who sues her prior employer for wrongful dismissal, because they wanted her to take a physical, and she couldn’t, because she’s really a man, and she wants to keep her secret secret, and then she starts dating one of the associates. Or to put it in the words of Richard Fish and John Cage themselves:

“Is it me, or do we just seem to be a magnet for strange cases?”

“It’s both.”

2. A host of pop-music references.

Gilmore Girls episodes are full of references to pop culture. But Ally McBeal episodes are full of references to pop music. Ally McBeal turned the pop music reference into an art. And these pop songs are part of the story, integrated with the story, inseparable from the story.

It’s nothing for a single episode of Ally McBeal to include a half an album’s worth of pop music, just as an episode of Gilmore Girls can include dozens of pop-culture references. There’s no way I could list all the pop songs that have appeared on the show. I couldn’t even compile a partial list here. But I’ll mention a few that come to mind. Ally McBeal has featured “Tell Him” and “Gimme Dat Ding,” and music by Roy Orbison and Robert Palmer. And the show has had guest appearances by numerous musical artists, including Barry White, Tina Turner, Barry Manilow, Sting, Elton John, and Macy Gray. Yes, Gilmore Girls mentioned Macy Gray and even played one of her songs, but Ally McBeal actually had her on-screen.

However, my most memorable Ally McBeal musical moment: Doing the hustle to Anastacia.

3. Ally can’t keep a man, either.

Like Lorelai, Ally has trouble with long-term relationships. In Ally’s case, she’s looking for Mr. Right. She doesn’t really know what he looks like, but she does have some idea what he is like. And she definitely knows how he makes her feel. But there is no Mr. Right. Love is about what a man and woman bring to a relationship together, not about feelings or finding the perfect mate.

So Ally struggles to believe in love itself. She goes from Mr. Right to Mr. Right, each time finding some way to sabotage the relationship.

This is ironic, because in Ally’s case, one of her greatest fears is that she will end up alone. And like Lorelai, Ally doesn’t know how to trust or to establish trust. Fear of losing a man will turn her dishonest. And it comes back to haunt her.

4. Billy will always be… Billy.

Lorelai had Christopher. Ally had Billy.

Ally knew Billy Thomas when they were 8 years old. They grew up together. And they fell in love. And then Billy decided to go study law in Michigan, while Ally stayed in Boston. They didn’t see each other until many years later, when Ally took a new job at Cage/Fish and met the other associates, two in particular. One, of course, was Billy Thomas, the love of her life. His wife Georgia had the office down the hall. She was the other woman.

Throughout their time together, Ally and Billy struggle with each other in a dramatic love triangle that makes Grey’s Anatomy seem anti-climactic.

And it makes Lorelai and Christopher seem anti-climactic, too. I’ve often thought that what happened to Billy would be a good end for Christopher, too. Not because I think Chris is being an immature jerk, which I do. But because, done right, it would have set up for a powerful climax in the story. Luke and Lorelai could have gotten back together, too, with Lorelai’s new-found sense of trust still in tact. This would have yeilded to a satisfying epilogue at the end of season 7. (And if there’s a season 8, it could begin a new story, which it should anyhow.)

But the point I was making is: Chris has always done seomthing to Lorelai, make her lose control. Chris is special. Billy is similarly special to Ally. Chris is Lorelai’s Billy.

5. Fish-isms.

Lorelai Gilmore speaks Gilmore-isms. Richard Fish speaks Fish-isms. These are short, pithy sayings that exude the demented wisdom of Richard Fish, which he renders in sweet, fatherly tones, not condescending, but as a wizened guru. For him to bring such ridiculous things in such a calm and mature manner… Well, it’s hilarious.

On men and women:

• “Men, women: friction. Friction, friction, friction, orgasm.”
• “Men love any woman they want to sleep with. It’s the ticket to admission.”
• “Everyone is alone. It’s just easier to take in a relationship.”
• “Sex for men: when it’s right, it’s right. When it’s wrong, it’s still right.”
• “If you don’t kiss a girl on the first date, you’re a gentleman. If you don’t kiss her on the second date, you’re gay.”

On his philosophy of life:

• “I just prefer to swim in the shallow end; can’t drown.”
• “If you don’t like who you are, if you’re truly unhappy with your life, it only means you’re ready to have children.”
• “Do I wonder whether I’ve sold out? Sometimes, but I always plan to sell out, so I’m living my dream.”
• “I plan to have character one day, great character. But if you want to be rich you better get the money before the scruples set in.”
• “Make enough money and everything else will follow.”

On values:

• “I don’t mind losing. It’s high profile losing that is not good.”
• “It’s not winning, it’s winning ugly that matters.”
• Piles and piles of money. If I help some along the way great. But mainly I’m in this for the piles, heaps, the really big piles.
• “Helping others is never more beneficial than when it’s in your own self-interest.”
• “I can’t do anything about it, but I’d be happy to sympathize.”
• “Personal questions don’t bother me. I just lie.”

6. An impossible parent you can’t get rid of.

Richard Fish’s distorted perspective vs. Emily’s distorted perspective. They’re funny for the same reason. It’s the straight man and the crazy man. Bob Newhart used to do it all the time. He’d play a psychologist, a professional, but an average guy. And he’d always run into these ludicrous situations. If you’re a psychologist, a professional, a doctor, what do you do when you new patient, after many hours of beating around the bush, finally admits to you that he’s from the planet Zelnor? You nod, say “Uh huh,” and make a note of it for future reference, that’s what.

Of course, Lorelai’s method of dealing with her parents’ insanity is much different. Her snappy comebacks are legendary. And even though half the time Emily doesn’t get them… Well, that just makes the situation funnier.

The possibilities are endless. For example:

EMILY: I don’t leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I’d talk to my VCR.

LORELAI: Depending on what you were watching, that could be a Fish-ism.

Or:

EMILY: You traded my lovely gift for for a semi-pornographic leering monkey lamp? How could you?

LORELAI: It was a Fish-ism.

Or even:

EMILY: He’s in Manhattan having dinner with clients. He just called. They’re at some restaurant near Times Square. He said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner. They didn’t stumble upon one prostitute the whole night.

LORELAI: Aw, too bad. Times Square without prostitutes is like a date without the morning after. (to Rory) Fish-ism.

7. Kathryn Joosten, Robert Downey, Jr, and Paul Reubens… not to mention Liz Torres, Michael Winters, Kathleen Wilhoite

These are double Gilmore-isms. Or they ought to be. Here’s how they would go.

Kathryn Joosten appeared as a crazy nun in a plane in one of Ally’s dreams. She also appeared as Mazey, the mistress of Sniffy’s Tavern, the restaurant Luke took Lorelai to, the place that Luke frequently goes to by himself. Remember, “Luke has a Luke’s!” But he never takes his dates there.

MAZEY: We run a nice place here, Lucas, not like that hash joint of yours. And this must be your young lady. Hello, there. I’m Mazey.

LORELAI: Were you ever a nun?

MAZEY: Excuse me?

LORELAI: Hi. I’m Lorelai. I love your place.

Or Robert Downey, Jr., whom Paris mentioned in last week’s episode.

PARIS: I mean, Logan Huntzberger? Between the women and the drinking, that kid was on the Colin Farrell freeway about to pull over into the Robert Downey, Jr. rest stop.

RORY: Between Chaplin and Ally McBeal?

And Rory was “a Pee Wee Herman kind of gal.” How good could that be?

PARIS: What happened? Harvard was my destiny. I was flipping through Harvard class schedules when you were still delighting to The Adventures of Gumby and Pokie.

RORY: I was more of a Pee Wee Herman kind of gal.

PARIS: Was he the one who did that sexy Sting dance for Cheri Oteri?

RORY: Among other things.

Of course, then there’s Liz Torres (Miss Patty) who guest starred as a plaintiff in Ally McBeal, Michael Winters (Taylor Doose) who appeared as a judge, Kathleen Wilhoite (Liz Danes) who was one of Ally’s clients, and Jim Jansen (Reverend Skinner) taking the stand as an expert witness.

Oh, and before I forget: Linda Gehringer, our one and only Pennilyn Lott, appeared twice in Ally McBeal dressed as—I swear this is true—Janet Reno.

8. It has its own musical act.

I wonder if Grant Lee Phillips has ever met Vonda Shepard.

Ally McBeal is a show where music has a central role. So you’d expect it to have its own musical act. Vonda Shepard isn’t a troubadour on the show. She’s the artist who wrote and performed the theme song to Ally McBeal, and on the show she plays the singer at the bar…

I have to back up here a second. There’s this bar near the offices of Cage/Fish. And everyone goes there. The characters even bring dates there. Practically every episode has at least one scene at the bar. There’s dancing and drinking and singing. Vonda Shepard sings. And the other characters also sing. As the story goes, they have an in with Vonda, so they can get behind the mic from time to time. This is where Robert Downey, Jr. first showed the world that he can sing.

Anyhow, like Grant Lee Phillips, Vonda Shepard has a number of albums. Actually, she has many more. Including several albums featuring music from Ally McBeal. I’m just guessing here, but I’m thinking that appearing in Ally McBeal was a great boost to her musical career.

By the way, whatever happened to Grant Lee Phillips?

9. The unisex is so much cooler than a town meeting.

In Stars Hollow, everyone gets together at Miss Patty’s for a town meeting. But at Cage/Fish, people hobnob in the unisex. They debate; they fight. They dance.

What’s a unisex? Well, instead of a little boy’s room and a little girl’s room, there’s just one room. One room with twice as many stalls. It was Richard’s idea, when he founded the company, to promote bonding. He installed a unisex. “So we can all go together when we go.”

Ally when she gets upset stands and stares at herself in the mirror. John Cage uses the mirror to contact Barry White. Ling just does her makeup. Everyone at some time in the day needs to use the facilities, so if you stand there and argue long enough, you’ll run into almost everyone. There have been times half the company was standing in front of the sinks debating some interpersonal issue.

The coolest thing about the unisex is, after watching 5 seasons of Ally McBeal, you actually feel it should be a normal feature of modern life.

10. Boatloads of witty banter.

Rory and Lorelai are famous for their witty banter. Characters like Jess and Logan, and Max and Jason, have further rounded out the dialogue. And then there’s Babette, Miss Patty, Taylor, Kirk, Liz and TJ. Even Luke when he’s on a rant.

But imagine a cast full of mostly trial lawyers. Now, Luke may be right that lawyers may be scum, although he did marry one… But that’s another story. One thing trial lawyers do is witty banter.

Yup, a cast full of mostly trial lawyers. Trial lawyers with issues.

It’s like Kirk Goes to Law School.

(in the unisex)

ALLY: How do we walk into a court room…

GEORGIA: To say that…

BILLY: It is a joke!

(one of the toilets flushes)

RICHARD (stepping from a stall): Hold down. Quiet. Let me ignore you one at a time.

ALLY: This is ridiculous, Richard. Ridiculous cases are supposed to go to Georgia.

GEORGIA: What?

ALLY: I’m agreeing with you. He does always saddle you up. This is your niche.

GEORGIA: Funny.

RICHARD: Georgia’s second chair, if you saddle…

BILLY: At some point we’re gonna have to draw the line. I know she smells fresh. I know you want to sleep with her…

(Ling enters.)

GEORGIA and ALLY: Ling!

LING (to Richard): Have you been taking my cases because you want to sleep with me?

RICHARD: Bacon bits, I’m nice to you because I want to sleep with you. I kissed you because I want to sleep with you. But taking your cases, I do that because you’re wealthy and a potential cash cow for the firm to milk in perpetuity.

ALLY: Ling, suing a man because you think he’s having sexual thoughts, with no action on his part…

LING: I thought you and I were friends.

ALLY (laughs): Friends? Well, we are.

LING: You’re a mean and spiteful group. Where is Nelle? I need comfort.

11. When the chips are down, everyone’s on the same side.

Stars Hollow works a little differently than Cage/Fish. But when circumstances require, everybody pitches in to help out. They’re both like families, in a way. I’ve lost count of how many times Stars Hollow has come together to put on an event or to raise money for some cause.

In a perverse way, the pink and blue ribbons Taylor was handing out after Luke and Lorelai broke up— And I think Taylor crossed a line with that one. He really made me mad. Because Lorelai was hurting, and all he could think of was choosing sides. Everytime I see that I say, “I know. Someone give Luke a pink ribbon and Lorelai a blue one.” Something tells me they would’ve gone for that idea.

I’m getting off track. The very fact that the people of Stars Hollow felt they needed to take sides, that shows how big a sense of community is there. When one person in Stars Hollow hurts, everyone notices. Cage/Fish is like that.

One of my favorite quotes from Ally McBeal is by Richard Fish:

New firm policy. Listen up! Anybody who sues this firm (or me personally) we all drop whatever cases we are working on. We devote all of our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person’s life. Are we clear? I don’t want to stop short with just getting even. Retribution is not strong enough. Ruin, that is the goal. Irreversible, irreparable, irrational ruin! New firm policy!

Okay, that part about suing him personally, that’s a Fish-ism. But no one was suing him. Someone was suing Cage/Fish. And the truth is that Richard Fish pulled out all the stops on several occasions, when one of the firm’s employees was being sued. Or even, once, was wrongfully arrested. I gotta tell you, it’s some feeling when the hero is under attack, and her seven lawyers all line up and march into court.

Well, it’s clear that I’m an Ally McBeal fan. (I’ve seen each episode of Gilmore Girls more times, though, than I have Ally McBeal.) This is one of the best classic shows ever aired. It first came on in 1997 and ran for 5 seasons before it was canceled. Five wonderful seasons.

It’s too bad that it’s not available on DVD, at least not in the U.S. It was once released on VHS video tape. And there was also a European DVD release. But not in the U.S. (I don’t think you can get it new anymore, even in Europe.) Fortunately, I have copies of the show. But if it came out on DVD, I’d drop the money as soon as I could to get me a set.

There are an awful lot of great stories out there. But only a few rise above all the rest. Ally McBeal is one of them. Every time I watch it, I get a special feeling. And when I remember that feeling, I want to watch it again, some more. I love it when a story does that to me.